I love my life. I have the best boyfriend, a loving family, a great job that allows me to shop freely and handle my bills, and most of all, my health. Hopefully will be blessed with a *surprise* in the near future, and then I will honestly be the happiest I've ever been.

I guess that I should knock on wood (knock knock) so I don't jinx myself....but oh well. Hopefully things will continue as wonderfully as they have, and things will get better for all those around me as well.

Well, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the band Depeche Mode, and I had bought tickets to see them at the Hollywood Bowl on 8/17. THEY WERE KILLER KICK ASS TO DIE FOR Garden seats....Well...It pained me to the very core of my soul to have to sell them, but I did. My little angel on my shoulder was telling me to sell them to hurry up and get out of debt...I agonized over this for days, and finally, I posted them on Craigs List and sold them for double what I paid.
I regretted it sooo much and cried! I went to go see No Doubt at the begining of August, and while the stage was being set up, DM's music was played on the speakers. I got so upset that I had sold them I started to cry. My mom and sister told me I had done the right thing...sigh. Well, move on to a week before the actual DM concert...I was venting on FB how badly I wished I was still seeing them. My friend comments me to say that KROQ ( a local radio station) was giving away back stage meet and greet passes with Tickets....I was like WTF??? Mind you, this was about 5 days before the shows I tried about 3x while at work with no luck. Finally, at 4:30, I leave work, hop into my CR-V and as soon as the car turns on, the DM jingle played on the radio....I thought, what the heck, let me try again...I dialed, and on the 2nd ring, the DJ answered and told me I won! WTF?!?!?!?!?!??
I LITERALLY broke down in sobs and screamed!!!! The dj was laughing uncontrollably and I was in TEARS! How was it possible??? Just hours before I was depressed because I had sold my killer tix, and now I was being told I would be meeting them backstage!!!! I was shaking, couldn't drive, and needless to say HAPPY!

The day of the show, I took my little sister. I spent $200 on concert gear, and when we were led backstage to meet the band, I broke down crying!!! Everyone was like "OMG, you are so cute!!! Look how excited she is! What a TRUE fan!" Waiting backstage and then seeing the guys walk out of the dressing room was surreal..Andy Fletcher shook my hand and smiled...then Martin Gore...I was already a sobbing kid at this point...once Dave Gahan came up to me, the flood gates opened...I shook his hand and just cried like I was at a funeral! He started laughing, and everyone else backstage was smiling and looking at us! My little sister next to me was doubled ver with laughter. Dave took my hand in both of his hands and said hello, and for some reason I covered my crying face with the other... Dave then laughed and said, "I know, I'm getting older..don't cry.' I managed to say, "no! You're fine!!" and everyone started laughing....they finished greeting everyone then as we got together for the group photo, Dave went to stand by my little sister, then he saw me crying still (D'oh!!) and he smiled, looked at my sister, then when she smiled back at him, he put his arms around me, called me his "love" and let me put my head on his shoulder while he still had his arm around me....I DIED....I DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN...As we left backstage, eveyone was gushing over how much attention Dave gave me, and I was still trying to compoi myself....out of the almost 17000 people at the Hollwood Bowl...on opening night, only my group of about 20 people met Depeche Mode. THe concert was pure euphoria...I will never forget it. I stared at my authographed photo all night.

The next morning, I bought a brand new Iphone, and the very first email I recieved, was from the radio station, with the group photos with the band....OMG....I almost died....I look so frightened and crying and crying as I stand next to Dave.....that night, I became a woman.... This was the best moment of my entire year....HANDS DOWN!!!!

BUT TO THIS DAY....I AM THE LAUGHING STOCK OF MY FAMILY FOR CRYING LIKE A BABY...LOL
Just wanted to share!

 *look closely, his arm is around me and his fingertips are on my shoulder under my hair...LOL!! I wa so happy, but you can't tell by this pic!

I'm at work, but I'm not working. I'm actually done with my assignments for the day.
I've been thinking alot, and I still don't know what the heck is wriong with me. I have a good job, I have plenty of material objects that make me happy, I have my health and my family's health.

What I don't have though, is self esteem.
I think the first time I ever really felt bad about myself was back in 7th grade. Yes, I didn't wear makeup or shave my legs. But I didn't need to. I remember hanging out with my friends under the covered eating area in school. I forget what the heck we were talking about, but I'm sure it wasn't important. I had a good friend named Diana. I don't remember what the heck made her say it, but she looked at me, and said "Honestly, don't take it the wrong way, but you aren't very pretty". I remember staring at her right in the eyes and just being silent. I don't remember ever responding to her comment, but I do know that that memory has stayed with me for years. I must have been around 11 at the time....so what, almost 15 years later, I still remember the hurt and can feel the sting?

The next year though, I started plucking my eyebrows and dyeing my hair. Still didn't use make up. But that was also the year that my good friend JB Gardner pointed out that I had a "big butt". Never realized that. He didn't mean it in a bad way though. Actually, I'm pretty fond of my big butt :)

Highschool, I guess I developed my "womanly" body. My hips bloomed, my height reached it's maximum (5'2"), and I learned how to accentuate my figure with my clothes. Not that I dressed provocatively or anything. I was a tom boy, but for some reason, I actually got alot of attention from boys. I've always had a pretty nice figure aside from being flat chested. I think all through high school I was never more than like a 34B.

Well, I wear make up now and the whole 9 yards, but I'm also FATTER. I now wear a 38C bra, and I love my boobs, but I rather lose them and all the weight it takes to sustain them. I rather be flat chested again. Stupid gripe, I know. But that's how I feel. I'm tired of typing. This entry was pretty pointless. Tomorrow I think I'll talk about my one true "love" from highschool; MARIO.

I'm convinced I'm suffering from Depression. No one believes me. I tell people that I can feel it and all they do is laugh and say, "yeah, that explains why you're such a grouch".
I've been to the Dr and explained what I think and feel. They just smile and say that I need to take vitamins and find a hobby like go to the gym.
I was prescribed sleeping meds to help me sleep so I wouldn't be so grouchy. All they did was give me headaches and made me feel hungover.
The meds they did give me, I didn't take them because I was up for a very good job that would have required a medical exam that would have required a drug test, and I didn't want to test positive for anything. Well, the city is on a hiring freeze so I put off taking meds for nothing.

It can't be normal for me to have such extreme mood swings. I'll getextremely upset if I do my eyeliner crooked one day, and the next I'm laughing because I hear a co-worker upset at something bad that happened.  I know it's wrong. I'm not like that all the time, but last year was a really bad year emotionally for me. I got over it for a few months, but now it's coming back.

It can't be normal to constantly think, "Ok...I will clear up any and all debt I have asap so that when I do kill myself, whatever insurance money I get from work can go straight to my parents. Not my bills." I shouldn't be thinking that the only thing worth looking forward to in life is my funeral. I shouldn't be always driving with clenched fists and knuckles turning white. I shouldn't be contemplating such grim scenarios. I can't help it. Next week might end up being a good week. I don't know.

All I know is I'm 25, single, and still living at home. I'm a fat ass who can't picture herself living happily ever after with anyone. I'm actually just plain fat and hating life. I eat lettuce and gain weight. I hate my life.

Good night.

I'm such an obnoxious person! I love it! If I were to change, then I wouldn't be myself! I'm not asking people to stop being fat or thin. I'm not asking people to raise their IQ, I'm not asking for anything. If I feel like saying/writing anything, I will do so as long as I am careful to not explicitly insult or belittle anyone else. How I choose to present myself is my decision. If you don' t like it, don't respond, or better yet, use me as a lesson on how NOT to act. At least then I can take comfort in knowing I helped someone better themselves. Oh well... can't please everyone, nor do  want to. I can only be true to myself. If that means being blunt, outspoken, and sometimes even obnoxious, then so be it. Perception is unique. You may think I'm a cunt, and others may think I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Shit, some won't even care! And to every single person I say, GOOD FOR YOU. You think whatever you want.

Now that  I have said my peace, I am content. Not that I expect anyone to read, let alone comment on this, but this is very theraputic for me. Rather than engage in online fights... (sooo myspace!), I will use my journal as a creative outlet. See how responsible I am?

All right....I went to they gym 4 days this workweek...I'm thinking of taking the day off today, after yesterday's leg workout I'm kinda walking like a gay cowboy...tee-hee...
Since I've been so freakin' good this week, I decided to let myself have a breakfast combo from Jack in the box. Ketchup is made from a veggie...and OJ is good for you...so breakfast wasn't all bad right? Yeah, I know, I'm reaching.

Baby sister turns 15 tomorrow...gadzooks! 15!!!
The day before I turned 15 my parents took me to get my tongue pierced...I guess in the long run I saved them a butt load of money by not asking for a Quincenera...11 years later, I still have that piercing..and a few others to boot. I rarely ever wear it anymore...For some reason I put it in about once a year and wear it for like 2 weeks. I always feel like such a slut afterwards ;) But yeah...what the hell do I buy my little sister??? She is by no means a spoiled bratty child, but she's a very good girl so we buy her anything she wants. She said she doesn't want anything, and if I give her cash, she'll be a good girl and stick it all in her savings account. Then I'll still be duped into buying her something aside from that. Maybe another $100 Itunes giftcard? Little brother (23) bought her a new hard drive for her macbook. I bought her another new Coach purse last month in lieu of getting her a gift this month, but that feels wrong. She doesn't really wear makeup, not that she needs it. She's over getting jewelry...it's all tucked away in a safe deposit box. Hmm...let me ponder this for a while. I know she's been wanting a Chanel purse, but I DON'T THINK SO....I haven't even bought my LV bag yet, so I'll be darned if she gets a thousand dollar purse before I do. I work...she doesn't....well...if you can call THIS working....
***to be continued after lunch

People go to the gym, presumably to work out right?
I mean, that's why they have all those heavy machines and whatnot correct?
I know I may be the weird exception, but I don't wear makeup when I go to the gym!
I have my eyebrows on, and that's about it.
Unfortch, (well, fortch actually) I have been blessed with a pretty ample size posterior. I love it personally. I try not to call attention to it by wearing booty shorts or what not to the gym, so I wear dark colored tights that reach my calves. I wear long-sleeve thermals and a hooded sweater on top. Heck, half the time I don't even bother shaving my calves! At first glance I look like any other plain jane getting her chubbs on at the gym, but I still manage to catch some p-verts checking out my goodies... (Ciara's term, not MINE!).

After an hour on the cardio machines, I decide to mozey on downstairs to work my gluteals and leggies. I'm on the one machine where you have to like spread 'em as far as you can and then squeeze them back tight. So, Mind you now, I'm sweaty as sin, my face is blotchy, and I'm totally haggard looking. As I'm sitting there doing my best Suzane Somers on a thigh master impersonation, why do I feel a burning sensation in my crotch? No, I haven't pulled a muscle or anything, but what I feel is some skeezy old geezy staring straight at my family jewels...CRIKEY!!

1) You can't see anything no matter how hard you stare
2) You, sir, are old enough to be my dad...and actually even older
3) Unless you see me with a boner, there is no reason  to be staring so hard!!!

ESPECIALLY IF I CATCH YOU AND GIVE YOU THE DIRTIEST LOOK IMAGINEABLE!
Um, yeah...that's no bueno...Old skeezy snaps out of it and quickly turns around and pretends to be interested in the instant hand sanitizer dispenser mounted to the wall....um...yeah...
Ick and double ick. Just wanted to vent. Maybe next time I should wear booty shorts and not maintain the landscaping...and really give a show...just a thought....

Now excuse me, I have a sammich to go make...

I broke my diet...but only because my bosses made me!!!
We were taken out for a late Admin appreciation lunch, and I ate today was a small portion of crusted chicken parmigan w/pasta, lemonade, and some of the yumms my mom made for dinner. I don't feel like a total heffer, so that's ok right?
On a side note, I love how my make-up looks today, and I got ton's of compliments on my hair.
One of the supervisors even said I actually looked like a pretty natural-born-female today...lol...
Whatever that means.
Tomorrow pancake breakfast at work.....I'll eat, but onjly because I'm taking half a day off so I don't have to eat lunch. Yay fatty.

So, how's about my first journal be a negative one?
Alright...I get it...I'm FLUFFY! 
I'm not thin anymore, and I need to lose weight. But Never did I think I would turn into one of those, "pretty fat girls". But I guess I am!
I'm at work today, working the public counter at my office. Pretty slow uneventful day....a constituent comes to the counter asking to speak to one of my Investigators. I explain that an appointment is needed and give him the # to call. The man is an old wrinkly prune, and nicely says, "Ok, no problem. I'll call and make an appointment."
As he smiles, he reaches out to shake my hand. I awkwardly shake it and smile, and as I am shaking, the old fart looks me righ tin the face, smiles and says, "You know, you'd be sooo much prettier if you would lose weight."

I'm DUMBFOUNDED! I smile awkwardly, then as the backhanded compliment (?) registers in my brain, I let go of his hand, look him dead in the eye and say " That was very rude". He stops smiling and all of a sudden looks at me with this shocked look on his face. Did he think he was complimenting me, or was he so nervous he got the compliment all twisted and managed to re-work it into an insult??
Either way, he realizes what he has just said, and after a few seconds of silence, he backs away and manages to stammer "Um, yeah, ok well you have a great day too!" Now, this was like a 70+ year old fogey. My Investigator sees me walk by her desk and asks "What did he tell you?" As I tell her, the office gasps and can't stop laughing...
thanks to that, my new name is gobble gooble. Apparently having a double chin (ha ha) is grounds for ridicule. BASTARDS!
So now I'm a baby turkey apparently, and either this is a slap in the face, or a double entendre meant to compliment AND motivate my fat ass to loss the extra chubbs. Sigh*....atleast I have my great sense of humor right?